We’ve got a special treat– a new book called The Book of “Quotations” for People Who Hate “Quotations”. So apparently, what authors do these days to promote their books is make a movie trailer.

Yeah, you read that right. You make a movie to promote a book. So here’s our version!

Let us know what you think!

And if you’re inspired by the moving soundtrack, you can find the book on Amazon.

Our subjects captured the joy and fulfillment that only a loving married relationship can create.

The idea is that, from a distance, it will look like a regular photo, but on closer inspection, you note the pill bottles, the booze, and, yeah, the panties hanging out of the husband’s suit pocket instead of a pocket square.

It’s meant to be inspired by a painting by 18th century English artist William Hogarth, who painted a series of paintings about the dangers of marrying for money. In this painting, the newly married couple are already spending nights apart.

Hogarth painted some funny shit for the 18th century.

The wife, looking satisfied and cat-like, has been sctupping someone else. The husband is clearly hung over and, yes, those are women’s undergarments in the husband’s pocket. Hogarth is nasty enough to have the dog sniffing them.

Making the portrait was a good time– we had great models! But I was disappointed by my Target’s lingerie selection. I had gone to Target to pick up a few of the props and things and finally had to walk into the lingerie section. I’m not shy, but the women there (I’m a man) were clearly bothered by me shopping for panties. One of them looked like she was about to call security. It wasn’t until a day later that I realized why: I was carrying panties, a baby doll and duct tape.

Yeah, I would have called security too.

To do this, there are a ton of boring logistical issues that need to be sorted out. But because this is Twisted Tidings, we face a couple of completely preposterous problems.

Preposterous Problem #1: How do you flame-proof a deer head?
Everything at the trade show needs to be flame-proofed! You might ask: how can a paper trade show be fireproof? The Fire Marshall is apparently willing to overlook the fact that every single exhibit is going to be stocked with (presumably flameable) paper products.

BUT everything else must be flame-proofed. And that includes the deer head.

Our exhibit is supposed to be set in a slightly run-down McMansion– it looks nice on the inside, but is obviously worn-dorn. We were trying to come up with ways to convey that when we ran across the deer’s head.

It turns out you can find anything on Craig’s List

The deer’s head is pretty sorry– everytime you pick it up more of its hair falls off. But because it’s going into the exhibit, it’s got to be flame-proofed.

Now, I’ve done a lot of things in my life. But I’ve never had to consider how you flame-proof a deer head. I called a manufacturer of flame-retardants. As soon as I said “deer head” they stated chuckling. And then they hung up on me.

It’s 11 days until the show– we’ve got until then to solve this mystery.